Elusive Freedom, Applause, UA Fort Smith

UA Fort Smith > Academics and Degrees > Colleges > College of Arts and Sciences > English Department > Applause

Elusive Freedom

By Sherry Honeycutt

The cool night breeze lifted a strand of her hair and tickled her cheek. She absentmindedly tucked it behind her ear and pulled her knees under her chin. She liked to escape here, in the tree house section of their jungle gym, while she waited for the pain to subside. The coolness of the wood numbed her spirits, but tonight the pain was subdued. The tears she waited for did not come. Beside her the swings squeaked as they floated back and forth. She heard the back door open and for once did not cringe.

She wouldn’t look at him. She couldn’t stand the sight of him. He said nothing as he watched her through the wooden slats.

“I can’t stay here anymore,” she whispered.

“I know.”

“It hurts too much.”

“I know.”

“I really mean it this time. I’m leaving.” How many times had she made that threat only to find herself without the strength to go? So many she could not count, but this time was different. She had nothing left to give.

“I know,” was all he could say.

The wind picked up and the trees bent and swayed under the weight. The chill went straight through her pajamas and filled her body with ice.

“I know saying I’m sorry doesn’t help,” he started.

“No it doesn’t,” she interrupted.

“Don’t interrupt me,” he snapped and she pulled her knees tighter. “I’m trying to tell you something,” he said more calmly as if it mattered. “I’m going to get help.”

“You’ve said that before,” she accused.

“I mean it this time.” He was getting angry.

“It won’t last. It never does. Don’t promise something you can’t deliver.”

“Yes, it will. I’m ready to change.”

“It wouldn’t matter anyway. I can’t wait any longer.”

“Please give me one more chance,” he pleaded, but his request fell on deaf ears.

“It hurts too much. I can’t….I won’t do this anymore!”

“I know.”

“It’s starting to affect the children.”

“I know,” he sighed. “Where will you go?”

“To my parents I guess until I can find a place to live.” Her parents lived in another state; her home state. How long had she been trapped here in a town she didn’t know with no friends and no help? Too many years to justify. She had been a prisoner of her own home, of her own making. On the outside it looked as if she had everything; a successful husband, two wonderful kids and a beautiful new home, but she knew. She held a frightening secret close to her heart and it was destroying her.

Her mother wouldn’t have her. She’d have to go to her dad’s. He’d take her in for awhile. He never liked her husband anyway. He wasn’t sociable enough. He avoided the family. Well, there was a reason for that; a reason only she knew. Her family suspected, but they didn’t dare ask. No one would ask. Did they not care or did they just not want to know the truth of the answer?

“You can at least wait until the morning. The kids are asleep. There’s no need to wake them up,” he said with an air of superiority.

“You need to leave,” she said. “You need to go somewhere for the night.”

“I am not leaving my own house! You know I won’t do that!” But he did. He turned to leave, but before he was gone he turned back and got in one last jab. “You know you can’t make it without me,” and then he was gone.

She sat there for a moment and then rushed inside. The heat hit her icy body and made her ache all over, like tiny little icicles stabbing her from head to toe. She ran up the stairs and packed her bags as quickly as she could. Then she sat on the bed and wondered at the gravity of her situation. How would she make it without him? She was a stay at home mom. She’d been out of the workforce for almost five years. Would anyone hire her? What would she do with her children while she worked? Suddenly she was tired. Too tired to move, so she sank down on her pillow to rest her head for a moment, but her thoughts would not leave her alone and she stayed suspended between waking and sleeping where there was no rest.

She could smell the alcohol before he even crossed the room. Her body stiffened as she realized he was coming in. She had hoped he would crash somewhere else for the night. Please God, please let him go away. Please let him go watch TV and pass out in the recliner. Please, she begged. But her prayers went unanswered as he lumbered onto the bed. She tried to lie as still as possible hoping he would think she was asleep and leave her alone. He didn’t. She was too frightened of the consequences, so she let him have her one last time as her body inwardly recoiled in detest. He had been too calm earlier when they had talked and that scared her most of all. Why had she not listened to her gut and gotten out of here earlier?

She kept her eyes closed tight and tried to envision a new life, one that included peace and safety; one where the simple sound of the garage door opening didn’t send her spiraling into an anxiety attack. He finished and passed out before he’d even rolled over completely. She shoved him off and kicked him away. Her stomach was in knots and she felt ill. She couldn’t stay here a moment longer. Looking at the green numbers glowing in the dark, she saw that it was a little after four am. She rose and dressed quickly. She gathered all her things and took them down to the car.

Coming back up the stairs, she ran her hand along the banister recalling how just a year ago she had picked out these colors. She had been unable to find the exact color of stain she wanted so she had taken a clock in the desired color to the cabinet maker. From it he had custom mixed the stain for her. Now, it would belong only to him… or to someone new. She sunk down on the stairs and rested her head against the wall. The tears began to fall. She wasn’t crying for him, she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction, but for the loss of her dreams she was giving up, for the home she had so carefully planned, and for her fear of the unknown. Could she really make it on her own, she wondered? Anywhere had to be better than here.

She told herself that she didn’t have time to shed these tears. She got up and went into her daughter’s room. As quietly as possible she packed her clothing and favorite toys and then did the same in her son’s room. She packed as many belongings as she could into their little car and then returned upstairs to wake the children.

“Where are we going mommy,” her four-year-old asked?

“We’re going for a little drive. How would you like to see Grandpa?”

“Oh goody,” they squealed.

“Shhh, we don’t want to wake daddy,” she told them.

“Daddy no go?” the three-year-old pouted.

“No baby, not this time,” she choked out, “but we’ll have a great time. I bet you can even help Grandpa feed his cows,” she tried to cheer them up.

Their little faces lit up and she knew that she had diverted their attention for the moment. Later she would have to come up with some sort of explanation, but for now she just wanted to get on the road and be long gone before the sleeping giant awakened.

She hurried the children into the car.

“Momma, Miwky Way” her daughter pleaded.

“Okay, I’ll get Milky Way.” She told her son to help his little sister get buckled in and ran into the house.

“Milky Way, here kitty kitty,” she called quietly. “Where are you?” She heard her husband roll over upstairs and her heart started thumping wildly. “Milky Way?!” The cat ran down the stairs and she scooped him up and ran out to the car.

As she backed out of the garage and lowered the door one last time, she felt a sense of freedom. She was going to make it. Everything was going to be okay. It just had to be. He had to let her go this time, he just had to, and if only she could have willed it into existence, she would have.

Navigation:

SubmissionGuidelines

The UA Fort Smith site may include hyperlinks to websites maintained or controlled by others. UA Fort Smith is not responsible for and does not routinely screen, approve, review or endorse the contents of or use of any of the products or services that may be offered at these websites.